


Franz Lohner's Chronicle: A Bangup Job

by professorplum221



Category: Warhammer Fantasy
Genre: Alcohol, Crack, F/F, F/M, Funny, Light BDSM, Multi, Non-Explicit Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 05:48:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29853489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/professorplum221/pseuds/professorplum221
Summary: Franz Lohner details a series of mostly ill-fated intimate encounters around Taal's Horn Keep
Relationships: Kerillian (WHF)/Bardin Goreksson, Kerillian (WHF)/Markus Kruber, Kerillian (WHF)/Sienna Fuegonasus, Kerillian (WHF)/Victor Saltzpyre
Kudos: 2





	Franz Lohner's Chronicle: A Bangup Job

I've seen a lot of squabbles among the Ubersreik Five in my time at Taal's Horn Keep. You can trust them to work together when it really counts, but I reckon it's inevitable that a motley crew like that won't always see eye-to-eye. It's not uncommon for one of them to storm into the main hall, cursing up a storm about something one of the others said or did. But I've never witnessed anything quite like what happened yesterday when Kerillian burst out of the entrance to the old dungeon Saltzpyre uses for his quarters.

"Unbelievable!" she shouted, stomping across the stone floor. "And you always going on about the holy light of your beloved Sigmar! How do you think He feels about that kind of perversion?"

"Sigmar's judgement does not extend to the harmless private activities of his devoted subjects!" Saltzpyre's strident tones rang out as he followed her into the hall. He was looking a bit disheveled, apparently in the middle of putting his coat back on and completely missing his signature witch hunter's hat. "And I fail to see why you feel the need to announce it to the entire Keep!"

"Harmless?" The elf scoffed. "I don't know about that."

"What's all this about?" asked Kruber from across the room. He and Bardin had been sharing a meal in the latter's quarters, and emerged upon hearing the commotion, flagons of ale in hand. "What were you doing in Victor's quarters, Kerillian?"

"Well!" she began with an exasperated huff. "I _thought_ I might blow off some steam after that last mission. Which was going alright at first, but then—"

"Not another word, elf!" Saltzpyre interjected.

"You mean," said Bardin, his eyes darting back and forth between Kerillian and Saltzpyre, "you and old one-eye? You were—"

"—just when I was starting to enjoy myself, he made the most absurd request I've ever heard!"

"Elf! I'm warning you!"

Saltzpyre continued to protest as the conversation went on, of course. I wouldn't expect anything less from the old witch hunter. But seeing as he appeared to have no intention to follow up on any of his threats, Kerillian and the others continued as if he wasn't there—and for that matter, as if I wasn't either. 

"What kind of request?" Kruber asked.

"You know those awful torturer's implements he's got in his dungeon down there?"

Bardin and Kruber's jaws dropped in unison.

"Don't tell me he wanted to use them on you, elgi?" Bardin asked.

"In bed?" Kruber added.

"Worse!" Kerillian exclaimed. "He wanted _me_ to use them on _him_! Can you imagine? _And_ he waited to bring it up until we were halfway done, ruining the mood completely. I haven't been so disappointed since the day I left Athel Loren."

"You needn't have fled in disgust, elf," Saltzpyre objected, his voice finally returning to a more tolerable volume. "It was merely a suggestion."

"I've got a much better suggestion for you," said Bardin, puffing out his chest. "Why don't you let me handle this, one-eye?"

Saltzpyre's frown deepened. "I'm not sure exactly what you mean, dwarf."

"I mean, I can show Kerillian a good time, can't I?"

Bardin turned to the elf, who shrugged in response. "Might as well try it, I suppose. As long as you aren't planning any more nasty surprises."

"Nothing of the sort, I can assure you! We take our lovemaking seriously in the Grey Mountains. You'll see. Kruber, I'll be needing my quarters to myself for a while."

The mercenary frowned. "Can I at least go back up there and refill my ale before you kick me out?"

"If you're quick about it, lumberfoot," Kerillian responded, already turning on her heels to lead the way to Bardin's room.

I reckon the unexpected interruption of her liaison with Saltzpyre must have left the elf quite frustrated indeed. She disappeared out the door of the keep almost as quickly as if she had used one of those curious abilities she credits to her belief in the Elven Goddess of the Moon. Kruber returned shortly afterward, having had the courtesy to fill another flagon for Saltzpyre during his brief visit to Bardin's now-occupied quarters—although he hadn't thought to offer one to me. The two of them sat down on the stone stairs and sipped their beverages, while looking a bit downcast at being left out.

Then again, maybe "sipped" isn't the right word to use for Kruber, who instead consumed the ale in repeated gulps. He was staring into the bottom of the almost-empty container when Kerillian appeared in the hall once more, still not looking any happier than she had earlier.

"Now wait just a minute, elgi!" I heard Bardin's voice call from outside before he caught up.

"There, you're doing it again!" Kerillian responded, almost trampling the other two men as she made her indignant way down the stairs. "I told you, I've heard enough Khazalid to last a lifetime!"

"What's the trouble now?" Kruber asked. I noticed that his words had become slightly slurred, no doubt as a result of his rapid ale consumption, but the others didn't comment.

"The trouble is I can't understand a word he's saying!" Kerillian exclaimed. "He kept trying to seduce me with descriptions of what he was going to do to me, but he couldn't be bothered to translate the half of it into Reikspiel! So how am I supposed to know what he's talking about and whether I want to do it or not? For one thing, what in the world is a Barak Varr handshake?"

"Come back to bed, Kerillian. I'll explain it proper this time," the dwarf pleaded from the top of the staircase, looking slightly out of breath.

"You had your chance!" the elf retorted. "Maybe I'll try my luck with Kruber next."

The mercenary leapt to his feet, almost stumbling off the stairs as he did so. "Right this way then, Kerillian!" He began ushering her to his room. "You won't be disappointed with me!"

"I'd better not be," the elf warned with a roll of her eyes.

Now, I'm sure anyone reading this humble chronicle of mine will be able to predict that Kruber's promises fell a bit short of the mark. In fact, the elf returned to the hall again even more rapidly than I had expected, her face by then a mask of pure rage.

"What seems to be the problem this time, elf?" Saltzpyre asked, his acrid tone betraying a hint of amusement.

"He's drunk!" she shouted "He can't— _you_ know."

"I can, if you'll just be patient for another minute!" Kruber insisted as he stumbled after her.

Kerillian threw her hands in the air in exasperation. "I've been patient with you lot all night, and I'm completely sick of it! I swear, not a single one of you mayflies knows how to please a lady!"

"Aren't you forgetting someone, darling?" A new voice entered the conversation from the top of the other staircase, and the fire mage began to descend with a confident smirk on her perpetually flushed face.

"You?" Kerillian asked, tilting her head to the side as her accent drew out the word to multiple syllables.

"Why not?" replied Sienna, raising one eyebrow and approaching the elf with a hand outstretched. "I know a thing or two about the flames of passion."

"I can't say I've ever been to bed with a woman before," Kerillian admitted, her voice tinged with a hint of uncertainty, "but since the men clearly aren't up to the job . . ."

The men in question grumbled in general disagreement.

"Trust me, darling," Sienna said as the elf took her hand, "I've got some real red-hot moves."

And judging by the sounds we all overheard coming from Sienna's bedroom shortly after—the giant hole blown in the wall making it difficult not to—I reckon the mage was telling the truth. I certainly didn't hear any more complaints from Kerillian when I saw her again the next morning. It was the three male members of the Ubersreik Five who were disappointed in the end, shuffling off to their separate quarters with mumbled grievances and dejected sighs.

I have to admit, I did feel a little left out myself, having been there in the main hall the whole time while it all happened without receiving a single invitation to join from anyone. For that matter, none of them thought to include Catrinne either—but at least she's a bit easier to forget. Come to think of it, I haven't heard from her at all since the others got back from that last sojourn at Castle Drachenfels.

Anyway, I'm glad Kerillian had a good time in the end. But I'm not sure if I'll be saying the same a few weeks from now if they keep going at it so loudly from that half-destroyed room. I swear, a man can hardly hear himself think in Taal's Horn Keep sometimes.


End file.
